How (Not?) To Be A Tacky Tourist

Of all the fashion clichés, one of the most recognizable is the “tacky tourist," especially the kind of tourist who vacations in Florida.  It takes almost no effort to dress this individual in one’s imagination.  A loud floral shirt, baggy cargo shorts, either sandals with socks or oversized and out-of-date sneakers, a hat/visor, and a huge camera---bonus points if you add colored zinc oxide on the tourist's nose and the angry red of a sunburn on his previously pasty legs.  His female counterpart is equally unattractive, with even more loudly mismatched prints on her shirt and shorts combo plus an impractically large bag and sassy thong sandals.  Don’t forget the array of ‘native’ bangles and beads that she’s collected on her travels.  Often the tacky tourist couple are trailed by their offspring, which come in one of two varieties: over-stimulated, over-indulged children (easily identified by their character-themed t-shirts, ice cream-stained lips, and tantrum-swollen eyes) and sullen, resentful teenagers (quickly categorized by their embarrassed expressions, shuffling gaits, and permanently implanted earbuds).

A do or a don't?  You decide!

And now here’s the shocking part---I absolutely love these people, in all their shallow, petty glory.  Why?  Because I’m a native Floridian and these folks keep my wacky but dearly beloved home state aloft.  Over 75 million of them visited Florida last year, pumping billions of dollars into the economy.  Untold crimes against fashion can be tolerated when the financial stakes are this high.

And even though I’m a native, I’m frequently a Florida tourist myself.  I love exploring the state, and I take every chance I get to check out some part of it that I’ve never seen before. Only two years ago I saw the Everglades for the first time, and this year I’m looking forward to jaunts to Venice and Palm Coast.  Over the interim break I texted two words to my biologist husband –KEY DEER!  We have to get down to the Keys to see the cutest little critters on the planet.  

Aren't they adorable?  No idea who they are, but I dare anyone to call them tacky!

So as a native and a tourist, could I give advice on how NOT to do the tacky thing when you go to Florida?  Certainly I could, but… honestly, I’d have to say the best thing to do is just embrace the whole tourist vibe.  You’re going on vacation---have fun!  This is Florida, not Paris or Milan, nobody really expects to see high style on our tourists.  Buy the mouse ears and wear them.  Play along with both your inner child and the one you gave birth to.  When I’m in a theme park, the people I see who are having the best time (and really getting their money's worth!) are the ones who left their fashion taste and their dignity at home. 

But you say you still want to look non-tacky?  You cringe at the thought of being forever on Instagram looking like a refugee from a gift shop?  You don't want your future children to laugh at you or your current ones to hang their heads in shame? OK then, here are a few simple pointers from a proud Florida girl.

Sunscreen is your friend!  Use it lavishly!  Florida isn’t called the Sunshine State for nothing, and the easiest way to spot a tourist is by his/her five-alarm skin.  It’s both painful and dangerous to get badly sunburnt.  Oddly enough, many of the folks I grew up with never had suntans.  I think this is because we’re smart enough to worship at the shrine of air conditioning and let the tourists do all the ‘cooking’.

A white blouse and khaki shorts will always be classic; more 'traveler' than 'tourist.'

Dark colors are not chic in Florida.  Leave your dark skinny jeans at home and avoid the temptation to pack  heavyweight tees.  Cool colors in lightweight fabrics will feel the best when the temperature climbs into the 90s.   Don't go for the skin-tight look; remember that if your shirt or blouse is a little loose, air will flow through it.  A crisp, ironed, sleeveless blouse is far more comfortable (and more fashionable) than a tight t-shirt in the daytime, plus a simple blouse with sleeves and a pretty necklace is 'dressy' enough for all but the fanciest restaurants.  Want to be the coolest of all?  Wear white cotton or linen garments.  Ladies might also consider skirts as a stylish and comfortable alternative to pants, at least when browsing all those divine little shops in St. Augustine or Palm Beach. (Editorial confession: I see a lot of Florida women in maxi-dresses.  Personally, I think they look good on maybe one out of a hundred females, and I keep hoping they'll go out of style but they seem very stubborn.  I tried one on and instantly felt (a) ridiculous and (b) like I was wrapped up in a stifling blanket.  But if you think you can rock it and not melt, go for it!)

No.  Please.  Don't!

Hats are a good idea.  Invest in a nice, lightweight cloth or straw one.  Avoid the styles that have a theme park logo wrapped around them or are so big they shade you and your three kids.  You want to go for something that protects your face but also has a certain amount of discretion.

Whatever shoes you plan to take---whether practical sneakers, chunky but comfy walking shoes, or sandals of any variety---should be thoroughly broken in before you ever leave home.  And by broken in I don’t mean worn once to Publix---I mean broken in thoroughly!  Or better yet, take an older set of shoes, even if they aren’t as cute as your new ones.  There is nothing adorable about blood blisters.  And for the love of Mickey Mouse, don’t wear flip flops to a theme park!  This is the number one mistake that visitors make.  Flip-flops are perfect for soft, sandy beaches and for lounging around the hotel pool.  Theme parks like Disney, Universal, and Busch Gardens are paved in hard, HOT concrete; a visit in high summer can leave the unwary pedestrian crippled in less than an hour.  Also, with scrambling on and off rides, flip flops are hazardous. The last place in the Magic Kingdom you want to visit is the first aid station, especially if Goofy is the physician on call.

And my final bit of fashion advice---don’t be a pack mule.  Being weighted down with heavy purses, camera bags, fanny packs, etc is both impractical and unattractive.  It leads to sweating, soreness, and grumpiness plus…it makes you look like a tourist.  Stop being a cheapskate, Dad.  It isn’t worth the labor to haul a day’s worth of chow on your back just to avoid paying slightly more for burgers and fries in a park.  Nobody looks good fumbling with maps; download the map app instead on your cell phone to free your hands.  Of course you want pictures, so do bring your camera.  A quality camera bag can pull double duty as a carry-all for basic necessities.  Ladies should invest in a sleek across the body purse, and keep it as light as possible.  Shades, identification, credit card, sunscreen, and you’re ready to have almost any adventure Florida has to offer.

I’ve read hundred of articles on ‘how to blend in’ or ‘how not to look like a tourist.’  But face it, if you're in Disney World or on the beach in the first place, you are a tourist!  You're not going to fool anyone that you're a local.  So enjoy your travels, take lots of pictures, and later in life look back at your journeys with fond memories and a giggle over what you wore while making them.